The Old-School Headmaster (a sketch)

This is my first attempt at writing a short comedy sketch for radio. Forgive the presentation, I haven’t worked out how to get the tabs right.

SIR:                          [Speaking into his buzzer] I hear we have our first rabble of rioters waiting outside, Miss Crowther. Would you be so kind as to send the first three in?

F/X:                           [We hear a knock at the door]

SIR:                            Enter! Right, who have we got here then? Names!

WILLIAM:                William Chapman, Sir.

TOMMY:                   Tommy Spicer, Sir.

ERNIE:                      Ernie Jones, Sir.

SIR:                            Your second day at secondary school and in the headmaster’s office already. Tut, tut. So which one of you deliberately tripped over Tina Watts on the staircase?

WILLIAM:                 But Sir, it wasn’t like that.

SIR:                             William, is it?

WILLIAM:                  Yes, Sir.

SIR:                              It was really nothing, was it, William? Life in a humdrum town dragging you down, eh? Heaven knows you look a bit miserable to me, boy.

WILLIAM:                  I’m not miserable, Sir. And I didn’t trip up Tina Watts.

TOMMY:                    He’s telling the truth, Sir. It was just an accident.

SIR:                             Tommy, is it?

TOMMY:                    Yes, Sir.

SIR:                            [Chuckles] Used to work on the dock?

TOMMY:                    Eh, Sir?

SIR:                             Down on your luck, are you? Finding it tough? Tina’s probably thinking of running away.

TOMMY:                    Honestly, Sir, she just tripped.

SIR:                             And you, boy. What’s your name?

ERNIE:                       Ernie, Sir.

SIR:                             Fastest milkman in the west, are you?

ERNIE:                       What, Sir?

SIR:                             Feeling lost without Bert? Once a muppet, always a muppet, eh Ernie?

ERNIE:                       I’m not a muppet, Sir.

SIR:                             In the school of life, Ernie, a muppet is someone who trips up a fellow classmate, sending them iPhone over funny bone and leaving them with a broken arm.

ERNIE:                       But Sir, it wasn’t us. It was Luca Di Pietro.

SIR:                            [Speaks into buzzer.] Is there a Luca Di Pietro out there?

F/X:                            [Door opens, Luca enters.]

SIR:                            Name?

LUCA:                        Luca, Sir.

SIR:                            Live on the second floor, do you?

LUCA:                        What? No Sir.

SIR:                            Think you’ve seen me before, hmm?

LUCA:                        Sir? I was lost – we all were. I wasn’t looking where I was going. I walked straight into Tommy and we sort of stumbled into Tina and–

SIR:                            I think I’ve heard enough.

LUCA:                        If you must know, Sir, it was Rio Wentworth.

SIR:                            We’ve got a Rio in our midst? You’ve got to be kidding!

LUCA:                        Rio did it, Sir. I saw him stick his leg out.

SIR:                              I can’t wait! [Speaks into buzzer] Miss Crowther, please tell me there’s a Rio Wentworth out there?

 F/X:                           [Door opens, Rio enters.]

SIR:                            Rio, is it? Tell me, lad, do you dance across the sand?

RIO:                           [Sighs] Yes, Sir – just like that river twisting through a dusty land. And when I shine, I really show you all I can.

SIR:                            [Long pause.] All of you are dismissed on a warning – except Rio.

F/X:                           [The others leave, door closes.]

SIR:                            Alright you smart aleck, explain yourself.

RIO:                           Last year you gave my older sister a week of detentions, Sir.

SIR:                            And who might your older sister be?

RIO:                           Eileen, sir.

THE END