The craving and aversion behind rejection and failure
My last post (about my 20 year rollercoaster journey to publication) seemed to strike a chord with lots of people – particularly this idea:
Failure and rejections aren’t painful. Craving and aversion is.
The concept that craving and aversion cause suffering is a Buddhist one. The more you desperately want something that seems to elude you (whatever that thing may be), the more suffering it causes you. Likewise, the more you don’t want something that you seem to be stuck with, the more suffering it causes you.
Throughout most of my 20 year writing journey I’ve been like a dog with a bone on a carousel. I had a vice-like grip on my desired outcome (agent representation/publishing deal/earning a living as an author). And each time I seemed to get closer to my goals, the tighter my jaws would clench around the bone. This, I realise now, was craving. So whenever bad news came – which it always inevitably did – it was crushing. Whether it was dwindling indie book sales, parting ways with an agent, or a full sweep of publisher rejections after months of being on submission, the eventual hammer blow would reduce me to a despairing wreck. And it’s not as if you can whinge to anyone about it when you’ve chosen to inflict this torture on yourself. I felt trapped in a sort of madness. I was choosing this situation and yet I wasn’t, because I also couldn’t imagine a life without writing and trying to get published.
The pain of my craving and aversion got so bad, that at my last lowest ebb (there have been many “lowest ebbs”), I asked myself a key question that I hadn’t thought of before: What if I never got to sign a publishing deal? Could I carry on until I died, just submitting or self-publishing novels, and failing to ever find a publisher or an audience? Could I live with that? Could I find a way to keep on writing without the feeling of failure causing me so much pain and self-doubt? I was surprised to realise the answer was yes. Yes, I could live with the prospect of never getting published but carrying on trying anyway.
This was a pretty amazing discovery. I was more resilient than I realised. Perhaps this was because having had agent representation in the past, I knew to some extent that I was a good writer. I just had to try harder, up my game. But writing confidence aside, how to manage the perpetual disappointment of rejection? It wasn’t until some time later that I discovered the notion of craving and aversion and it made so much sense. So I started paying attention to where my mind went whenever I felt really disappointed or overly hopeful. For example:
My agent says a couple of publishers are taking my novel to acquisitions meetings. Oh my God! Please, please, just please say yes! (Craving.)
An email bearing the positive news I’m eagerly waiting for doesn’t come. Come on! Refresh, refresh… (Craving.)
A publisher rejects my book saying a 14yo male protagonist makes market positioning a bit too tricky. What, so it’s a waste of time writing a story with a 14yo male protagonist? How did Adrian Mole do so well, then? Oh wait, he was 13 and three quarters. Guess it makes all the difference. Grrr! (Aversion.)
Then I started watching my mind whenever something was bugging me generally – not just in my writing life. For example:
The queue outside Tesco’s is curling around the carpark and it’s pissing it down. You’ve got to be kidding me! (Aversion.)
My brother video-calls me while strolling along his sun-kissed local beach in Australia. I miss you! I want to be there! (Craving.)
Boris cancels Christmas at the eleventh hour. Are you kidding? Why didn’t you announce this two weeks ago? I want to see my family! (Craving and aversion.)
The scales indicate I’ve surpassed my “final warning klaxon” weight by several pounds. God damn it! (Aversion.)
You get the gist. Turns out 2020 was rife with opportunities for noticing craving and aversion!
But how can you stop your mind constantly battling with reality? It’s relentless! According to a book I read recently, one of the most significant things you can do is to just start becoming aware of it. When something’s bugging you, you’re likely to be craving or resisting something. If you can catch it early on and label it, that’s gaining awareness. And the more awareness you gain, the more you have a chance to react in a different way and reduce your suffering. I love the Eckhart Tolle quote, “Accept this moment as if you had chosen it.” Not an easy suggestion to get your head around, but acceptance and giving up are not the same thing.
As I’ve only just dipped my toe in the water when it comes to exploring these concepts, my knowledge is very basic. But even though I’m barely scratching the surface of a deep and fascinating subject, I just wanted to share what I’ve learned so far, as it’s been so helpful to me when dealing with rejection, disappointment and life in general.
If you’re interested in learning more about craving and aversion, I recommend the book Welcoming the Unwelcome by Pema Chodron. Below is an extract. (Which I’ve paraphrased otherwise I’d end up quoting the entire book!)
“There’s always something small we can do to alter our habitual response, even a little bit. It could be taking a few conscious breaths, or stepping back for a moment, or walking around the block to change the energy. It could be anything, as long as it interrupts the process of escalating our suffering in the exact same habitual way, over and over and over. … This small effort will do something to affect your habits. It will alter the pathways in your brain.”
One thing’s for sure: being rejected, ignored, overlooked and dismissed is all part and parcel of a writer’s journey. And it doesn’t stop once you have a publishing deal either, so finding a way to deal with these uncomfortable feelings is a good idea. In the meantime, good luck, writing comrades!
Find out why it took me 20 years to find a publishing deal here, or read my rejections from publishers here. You can also find out about my editing services here.