Away in Pret à Manger, a dubious Christmas poem

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The theme of this year’s Christmas poem is the frustrations of Christmas shopping, and I dedicate it to anyone who’s ever queued for the loo in M&S on a Saturday in December. We’ve all been there and it’s not funny.

Away in Pret à Manger
No seats to be had
I need some cake and coffee
And I need it real bad

I’m doing some Christmas shopping
Scrap the coffee – I’ll need booze
If I spend any longer
In the check-out queues

I trudge into Tiger
And am thrilled at the sight
Of cheap plastic rubbish
That won’t last the night

What to buy for my children?
Will they like it? Will it fit?
To be honest, I am thinking
They have got enough shit

I move on to Marks and Spencers
But I’m bursting for the loo
And join a zillion pensioners
In the world’s longest queue

We shuffle very slowly
Towards the smell of urine
To the songs of Noddy Holder
Mel’n’Kim and Springsteen

This is painful, I am wilting
Then I have an epiphany
I will treat myself to something
Slinky and sparkly

I hurry to French Connection
And emerge with a smile
It turns out that this foray
Was totally worthwhile

Be generous at Christmas
So says Mark chapter three
Dear father, I have done so
For I have given unto me.