This is my first attempt at writing a short comedy sketch for radio. Forgive the presentation, I don’t know how to do tabs on WordPress.
SIR: [Speaking into his buzzer] I hear we have our first rabble of rioters waiting outside, Miss Crowther. Would you be so kind as to send the first three in?
F/X: [We hear a knock at the door]
SIR: Enter! Right, who have we got here then? Names!
WILLIAM: William Chapman, Sir.
TOMMY: Tommy Spicer, Sir.
ERNIE: Ernie Jones, Sir.
SIR: Your second day at secondary school and in the headmaster’s office already. Tut, tut. So which one of you deliberately tripped over Tina Watts on the staircase?
WILLIAM: But Sir, it wasn’t like that.
SIR: William, is it?
WILLIAM: Yes, Sir.
SIR: It was really nothing, was it, William? Life in a humdrum town dragging you down, eh? Heaven knows you look a bit miserable to me, boy.
WILLIAM: I’m not miserable, Sir. And I didn’t trip up Tina Watts.
TOMMY: He’s telling the truth, Sir. It was just an accident.
SIR: Tommy, is it?
TOMMY: Yes, Sir.
SIR: [Chuckles] Used to work on the dock?
TOMMY: Eh, Sir?
SIR: Down on your luck, are you? Finding it tough? Tina’s probably thinking of running away.
TOMMY: Honestly, Sir, she just tripped.
SIR: And you, boy. What’s your name?
ERNIE: Ernie, Sir.
SIR: Fastest milkman in the west, are you?
ERNIE: What, Sir?
SIR: Feeling lost without Bert? Once a muppet, always a muppet, eh Ernie?
ERNIE: I’m not a muppet, Sir.
SIR: In the school of life, Ernie, a muppet is someone who trips up a fellow classmate, sending them iPhone over funny bone and leaving them with a broken arm.
ERNIE: But Sir, it wasn’t us. It was Luca Di Pietro.
SIR: [Speaks into buzzer.] Is there a Luca Di Pietro out there?
F/X: [Door opens, Luca enters.]
LUCA: Luca, Sir.
SIR: Live on the second floor, do you?
LUCA: What? No Sir.
SIR: Think you’ve seen me before, hmm?
LUCA: Sir? I was lost – we all were. I wasn’t looking where I was going. I walked straight into Tommy and we sort of stumbled into Tina and–
SIR: I think I’ve heard enough.
LUCA: If you must know, Sir, it was Rio Wentworth.
SIR: We’ve got a Rio in our midst? You’ve got to be kidding!
LUCA: Rio did it, Sir. I saw him stick his leg out.
SIR: I can’t wait! [Speaks into buzzer] Miss Crowther, please tell me there’s a Rio Wentworth out there?
F/X: [Door opens, Rio enters.]
SIR: Rio, is it? Tell me, lad, do you dance across the sand?
RIO: [Sighs] Yes, Sir – just like that river twisting through a dusty land. And when I shine, I really show you all I can.
SIR: [Long pause.] All of you are dismissed on a warning – except Rio.
F/X: [The others leave, door closes.]
SIR: Alright you smart aleck, explain yourself.
RIO: Last year you gave my older sister a week of detentions, Sir.
SIR: And who might your older sister be?
RIO: Eileen, sir.