In contrast to my last post, this week I’m unleashing my inner Scrooge and having a rant about the more annoying side of Christmas – namely, unwanted presents. So if you’re full of festive cheer, read no further – I don’t want to shatter your baubles. But if, like me, each year you receive gifts from well-meaning friends and rellies that you can’t wait to stick in a charity bag and evict from your household, read on. Here’s my Bah Humbug Top 10, in no particular order.
Mini bottle of liqueur with accompanying glass encased in vast quantities of unnecessary packaging
So you found yourself in BHS on 24th December with one hour to go before all the shops shut. And you decided upon this. Oh dear. What were you thinking? A £5 bottle of wine would’ve done me. No sickly liqueur, no tacky glass, no excess packaging. Charity bag!
Is it just me or is this the most over-bought, under-used product in the world? Someone, somewhere, is making money from old rope – or rather a plastic bottle, pretty label, some ‘parfum’ and 300ml of grease. Maybe one day when I start leaving a visible trail of dead skin flakes around the house, I might re-evaluate its worth, but until then, I will recycle it to my elderly neighbour Maureen, who recycles it to her granddaughter, who no doubt shoves it in a charity bag.
Just because I like reflexology and I always need socks, doesn’t mean that combining the two is a good idea. Do you think that if I put the reflexology socks on, Him Indoors will take the hint and give me a foot massage? Of course not! Also I feel slightly uncomfortable that you’ve given me a pair of socks with the word ‘genitals’ written on them. Don’t pretend you didn’t notice.
Are you deliberately trying to make me fat? Isn’t Christmas challenging enough on the calorie front without you giving me a box of saturated fat? And you know I’ll eat them because you know I can’t resist chocolate when I’m alone in the house with it. I take this as a personal affront, a declaration of war. You give me chocolates. I give you chocolates. Capisce?
Stand-alone picture frame
Seriously, where in my house did you spot a few inches of spare shelf space? It’s not that I don’t like the frame you’ve bought me per se, I just don’t like it enough. Space is limited. Car boot sale!
You’ve known me all my life, so there’s no excuse for this. Moi, sew? I suppose you just fell for the pretty box it came in and were thinking I could put crap in it after I chuck the contents out. Right, so I’ll add it to the tower of spare pretty boxes in the loft. And then I’ll recycle it to you next year. Backatcha!
Dangly exfoliation thingies
Who invents this shit? The Dark Lord of Body Lotion, of course. I have another name for them: mildew magnets. Charity bag.
Again you fell for the box it came in and the window display it hung in. Sucker. I have yet to taste a Panettone that didn’t need washing down with ten gallons of tea. Are you supposed to dunk it in dessert wine or something? Next time, just buy me the dessert wine. You can keep your dry-as-a-bone cake.
Toilet humour books
Thanks. Just what I always wanted. I’ll put it in the bathroom and guffaw at the hilarious jokes every time nature calls. And if I ever run out of loo paper, it will come in handier still.
Anything with the following done-to-death motto:
Keep Calm and Carry On. I’m doing just that, believe me.